Tantrums are a natural part of child development, commonly experienced by young children as they navigate their growing emotional world. They are brief episodes of vocal and sometimes physical outbursts in response to frustration, anger, or distress. Tantrums are typically milder than meltdowns as a child retains some measure of control over their behavior. Oftentimes, they will subside if no one pays attention to it. On the other hand, during a meltdown, a child loses control completely, and their behavior only stops when they wear themselves out or their parent/guardian is able to help the child calm down.
Tantrums and meltdowns happen when kids have big emotions that they don’t know how to deal with, not having the verbal communication or self-regulation skills of older children. With age and the development of these skills, tantrums and meltdowns typically become infrequent. For tantrums in particular, they are most common between 1 and 3 years of age and should taper off by age 4.
Regardless, tantrums and meltdowns are among the biggest challenges of parenting. They can be hard to understand, hard to prevent, and even harder to respond to effectively when they happen. And when tantrums occur with frequency past the age in which they’re developmentally expected—those terrible 2s and 3s—they can become a big problem for the child, not just the adults who endure them.
Why Do Toddler Tantrums Happen?
Emotional development of the child and their limited communication factors play a role in why these tantrums occur. Common triggers include:
- Unmet needs (e.g., hunger, fatigue)
- Overstimulation (e.g., crowded environments)
- Feelings of frustration (e.g., difficulty completing a task)
Additionally, factors such as temperament, past experiences, or conditions like social anxiety, ADHD, or learning disorders can influence the frequency and intensity of tantrums, as well as the transformation of a tantrum into a meltdown.
How to Respond to a Tantrum
Tantrums can be overwhelming, but responding effectively can help diffuse the situation and support your child’s emotional development. Here are some key strategies:
1. Stay Calm and Model Self-Regulation: Take some deep breaths. We recommend using self-soothing thoughts such as, "My child is really struggling right now and doesn’t have the tools.” Additionally, don’t hesitate to ask for support from another adult if you are struggling to stay calm.
2. Validate Your Child’s Feelings While Setting Boundaries: Acknowledge your child’s emotions with statements like, "I see that you're upset." But make sure to set clear boundaries and stay calm.
3. Use Diffusing Techniques: Distract with a new activity or toy or create a calm-down space for self-regulation. For tantrums that have not turned into a meltdown, you can also withdraw your attention; negative attention like reprimanding or trying to persuade the child to stop their tantrum has been found to positively reinforce their behavior. As soon as the child begins to stop their tantrum, then you can come back to bring praise and positive attention.
4. Avoid Common Pitfalls: Avoid giving in to unreasonable demands. Also, refrain from excessive attention during the tantrum, whether negative and positive, until the child calms down. In particular, do not try to reason with an upset child. When we are upset that part of our brain that helps us think rationally and problem solve does not function as well as when we are calm.
Tools to Prevent Toddler Tantrums
Preventing tantrums can be achieved by proactively addressing potential triggers and teaching emotional regulation skills. Consider these preventive measures:
- Identify Triggers: Recognize patterns leading to tantrums and address underlying causes.
- Establish Consistent Routines: Predictable daily schedules reduce stress and uncertainty.
- Teach Emotional Regulation: Help children name their feelings and practice calming techniques like deep breathing.
- Meet Basic Needs: Ensure the child is well-rested, fed, and receives quality time.
- Encourage Independence: Offer simple choices to empower the child and foster cooperation.
Signs It’s Time to Seek Professional Help
While tantrums are a normal part of development, persistent or severe tantrums that turn into meltdowns may signal an underlying issue that requires professional support. Sometimes a close look at the pattern of a child’s tantrums reveals a problem that needs attention: a traumatic experience, abuse or neglect, social anxiety, ADHD, or a learning disorder. When children are prone to tantrums beyond the age at which they are typical, it’s often a symptom of distress that they are struggling to manage.
Mental health professionals can provide tailored solutions to help families manage challenging behaviors by:
- Assessing underlying issues contributing to tantrums.
- Identifying triggers and developing personalized intervention plans.
- Distinguishing between tantrums and meltdowns and offering coping strategies.
How Austin Child Guidance Center can Help
At Austin Child Guidance Center, we understand the challenges parents face when dealing with tantrums and emotional outbursts. Our team of professionals offers individual and family therapy to support children and families in developing healthier coping mechanisms.
This blog was written by one of our therapists, Moriah Looten LCSW-S, our Bilingual Program Manager.
