One of the most difficult tasks a parent has to face is that of talking about tragedy with their children. This can range from the death of a family member, to the death of a pet, all the way to local or national tragedies such as the explosion of the space shuttle Columbia.

Although there is no way to make this task easy, there are some basic guidelines that may help parents organize the discussion in a way that is helpful to their children.

Remember to consider the developmental level of your child.

Children under the age of 8 or 9 may not understand abstract concepts like death. When speaking with younger children, remember to emphasize that they are safe and cared for. Be sure to include facts in a simple way, even if that seems hard for the child to hear (e.g., ” Grandma has just died.” or “There have been several shootings in the Washington, D.C. area.”). Couch these facts in as warm and supportive a framework as you can, for instances with reassurances “Grandma will not be here anymore, but we can always remember the good times we had with her.” Or in the case of a national tragic event, “That is very far away from here. It is not happening here.” With older children, it is appropriate to give more information.

Invite questions.

When talking with your children don’t assume you know what they are thinking about what happened. Invite them to tell you about what they might be thinking or their feelings about the event. However, children can take some time to process tragic events, and will not ask about them until later. When children do ask questions remember to answer their questions honestly and as simple as you can about your understanding of what happened. If you don’t know the answer to a question, that is okay but you can reassure your child that in the case of a local or national tragedy the police or fire or other public officials are working hard to make sure people are kept safe or taking steps to prevent future tragedies.

Expect regression.

In the wake of loss or tragic events, many children will regress to earlier behaviors, particularly ones that are associated with comfort, such as seeking favorite toys, or wanting to sleep in the same room with their parents. These behaviors are normal coping mechanisms in the face of tragedy, and are no cause for alarm. Most children will return to more age appropriate behaviors in one to two months after the event, and often much more rapidly. However, if these behaviors continue beyond this general time frame, consult a professional. Particular attention should be paid to regressive behaviors that interfere with your child’s functioning, such as excessive school refusal, sleep, or appetite disturbance.

Children express grief differently than adults.

Don’t necessarily expect children to display their grief through tears or sadness. Often times, children show their grief through anger and disobedience. If you see this happening, it helps to sit down with your child and let them know that feeling upset about the tragedy is okay. Many times, children don’t know why they’re upset-they need adults to help give them the words to express their feelings.

Structure helps.

One of the things that most help children through tragic loss is a continuity of family structure and tradition. If at all possible, keep up the things your family usually does – whether these are mealtimes, special games, or involvement in religious or cultural groups. However, in the case of a community or national tragedy you may need to limit television to prevent overwhelming your child with this information. Very young children who watch replays of the event may think it is happening again and again. In addition, monitoring their television viewing will allow you to intervene during newsbreaks or explain information as needed. While children need to have the tragedy acknowledged, they also need to know that the world will go on.

Remember your own grief or fear.

Often times, parents will try to repress their own feelings in order to stay strong for their children. While it may not be helpful to grieve, express fear, or express outrage extensively in front of your child, it is very important to take care of yourself and your own feelings. Children can easily sense when a parent is tense or anxious, and it is important to acknowledge your own feelings, and to get whatever help you need.

Finally, remember that tragedy is a part of every life – the job of parents is not to shield their children from tragedy, but to help their children become resilient enough to survive it. This is not often a job that anyone can do alone, and if you need help, ask for it, from friends, family, clergy, or helping professionals.

Memorial or vigil services.

Children differ in regard to whether they want to participate in a public or private ceremony regarding the death of an individual or individuals. If children want to attend such an event, they should be told what to expect and allowed to choose how they want to participate. Children may also want to have the opportunity to honor those who have died by donating their time or money to show support for grieving family members, friends or others who may have been involved in the tragedy.

SOURCE: Jay Reeve, Ph.D., staff psychologist, Children’s Program, Bradley Hospital, Providence Rhode Island as reprinted in the Brown Child and Adolescent University Behavior Letter, 2002. Reviewed and updated by Lynn Henton, Ph.D., psychologist, in 2003.